I didn't really loose my mother, I know where she is. She is in heaven, probably singing in the choir right next to Aretha! My mom had a beautiful voice and she loved Aretha Franklin. I am sure they are probably slipping in a few extra songs on the heavenly playlist.
I wanted to write something profound, something that really spoke to the hearts of those who find this holiday tough. But as I wrote this post the right words just didn't seem to come. I was having a hard time expressing the emotions and feelings I have about this holiday. So, like I often do, I put it off. And here we are 1am, Mother's Day. I missed the deadline for this post. I can't sleep, which is rare, and I just keep thinking about this post and my mom.
I keep thinking about our last Mother's Day together. It wasn't so fabulous. I didn't shower her with admiration and love like I should have. I had plans and after all I was a mother and it was a holiday for me too, right? But, if I had known it would be less than 3 short months before I lost her, I wouldn't have missed the opportunity to spend that weekend with her. Instead, we had a quick breakfast at Cracker Barrel and I can't even remember what trinket of a gift I gave her. Hindsight is always 20/20 and we never really know how long we have here on earth, but I truly wish I could have a do over on this one.
I have found that the emotions tend to sneak up on me. Like the week or so before holidays like this or her birthday, I get a little prickly, a little grouchy. I believe now that this is just the sadness creeping in. I don't see it coming until I am in the middle of it. Raw emotions that I don't share. I still miss her tremendously, even now, thirteen years later.
The day I lost my mother I was all caught up in my own selfish sadness. I knew she was suffering, but I did not want to live without my mom. She was the only one on this earth that truly knew me and yet still loved me unconditionally. She saw inside me and she still loved me. No matter how rotten of a little brat I was, no matter how we fought, no matter what bad decisions I made. She LOVED me! She saw the good in me. She saw my talents and all my accomplishments. I think this must be how God sees and loves each of us. Unconditionally, even though we are spoiled rotten at times.
On this day my mom was not really responding, a combination of the pain medicine and sedation to keep her comfortable. I was sitting in the hospital room next to her just praying for a miracle and at the same time trying to accept that it probably wouldn't come. Wishing she would wake up and talk to me. Feeling sad that I wouldn't hear her say my name anymore. My grandmother had come to visit and when she left I walked her out. That's when she told me that I needed to tell my mom that it was okay to let go. My grandmother explained that she was holding on for me and that I needed to tell her that I would be okay and that she could go on to Jesus and rest.
So when I got back to her room, that's what I did. I told her how much I loved her and that I was sorry for being such a brat so many times. I told her how much I would miss her but that I would be okay. I told her to go to Jesus and rest. It was the hardest conversation I have ever had. I didn't want to let go. At that moment her beautiful blue eyes opened and she looked right at me. She was more clear minded than I had seen her in days. She said, "Oh Ally! I love you!" and then she was gone again. This. This was my miracle. Not like I had hoped but still a miracle. I left that night knowing in my heart this was the last time I would see my mom. She actually died the next morning around 3am.
That's my story. There is so much more I could share. But this little bit was tough to write. And I am not sure who it will help. I just felt I needed to share it. If nothing else, to all those that struggle with Mother's Day for whatever reason, know that you are not alone.
Mother's day is a beautiful holiday, a busy holiday, and a sad holiday all wrapped up in one. There are so many situations that make this holiday a tough one. So many of the people we love and serve have lost mothers, lost children, never had a good mother, or never have had the opportunity to be a mother.
While I don't have any profound wisdom to share, again I say that you are not alone. You are loved. Walk through the emotions. Cry, like I have as I write this post. Then if you can, live in the moment and don't miss it. Shower the moms around you with love and admiration.