Fourteen years ago today my beautiful Mom went to be with Jesus. I know for certain that she is there with Him. Probably singing in the choir. She had the most beautiful voice. Though her vibrato version of Beyonce's Bootylicious was sometimes annoying, it always made me and the girls crack up.
I miss her so much. I wish she was here to enjoy her great grandchildren. My hope is that God gives us the pleasure of seeing all the good happening on earth when we are in heaven. If that is so, then she has most certainly enjoyed watching Jon Tucker, Walker, and Caleb. I believe she may have even already met their sweet souls before they headed to earth.
Every year around this time I find myself feeling off. Not myself. Sad, tense, grumpy. And then I realize the date and it all makes sense. Some years it creeps up on me and other years, like this one, I am fully aware of the day approaching.
Every day I miss her, I think of her, I wish I could talk to her and laugh with her. She was one of the few people on this earth that made me truly laugh. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, and how sorry I am that I was such a brat much of my life. I wish I had truly understood what I meant to her while she was here with me. Maybe I would have behaved differently, but probably not, it's hind sight. And even if I was a perfect child, I don't think she could have loved me anymore. I was her world, her only child. She was my Mom, my best friend, my biggest fan, the one who loved me unconditionally. She is greatly missed and still deeply loved.
As I write this, I realize these are my feelings of loss, I am grieving still. Yet I wanted this post to be more about my mom and who she was and is. My mom was full of life and so much fun to be around. She was a risk taker and always seemed so brave. She was an entrepreneur and an incredible artist. She tried just about everything she wanted. She was a perpetual student, always enrolled in some class or workshop. She loved to listen to Bob Dylan, James Taylor, and Billy Joel. However, she also loved blue grass, gospel, and the blues.
She loved musicals and acting. She introduced me to dinner theater and musicals at a young age. She performed in several plays and musicals at Laurel Little Theater. I wish I could watch her perform and sing again. She really was good.
She had such a big personality and a laugh that was contagious. I can not sum her up in this blog post. There were so many beautiful traits she possessed. It is impossible to put them all to words. Knowing her was a beautiful experience.
She truly lived out the advice that she left for her granddaughters.
"Try everything you want to do, a lot of what you think you don't want to do, and especially try what you think you can't do, that is the most fun of all."
-Catherine Moriarty
Yesterday, I contemplated what I would do on this dreaded day. There are so many ways to react. I could be sad, melancholy, or reclusive. I could celebrate, and smile and do something she would want me to do.
It is not just another day. It is the day, the day that changed my life forever on this earth. I hope that I can continue to learn from the experience of this day. Perhaps if I do, I will have less regrets and seize more opportunities to love and be loved.
Today I will take her advice once again, to do what I think I can't do. It is easy to think that I can't be happy today. But I will be happy today. I will fill today with things that remind me of her and things she would want me to do. I will treasure the memories of her and enjoy this day.
Ally